| whoa |
[May. 10th, 2009||03:45 pm] |
i graduated from college today.
holy shit. |
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| one of the most emotional weekends ever |
[Feb. 22nd, 2009||10:45 pm] |
| [ | Where the fuck am I? |
| | Watzek Library | ] |
| [ | Mood of the Moment |
| |  hopeful | ] |
| [ | Music of the Moment |
| | Chris Robley and the Fear of Heights | ] |
Josh and I broke up Friday. Yup.
Didn't really see it coming, but kinda did at the same time... in one of those "something is about to happen" ways... I knew it was bad, but I was hoping for the best.
He'd been very distant and clearly avoiding me. I confronted him about it and we talked for awhile and decided it was over. We are at very different places in our lives and there's no reason to blame each other for it.
Nevertheless, I was extremely sad. I got super wasted and spent all Saturday being bitter, overthinking everything and trying to take in what happened. That night, he was in Once Upon a Weekend and I went and saw it, and I hugged him afterward and told him he did a great job. Then I ran away awkwardly and pouted in my room with some of the Double Black Stout Valerie brought me (my fucking Jesus, that woman is).
Today I talked to Lauren Brown and my mom about what had been on my mind and decided I wanted to talk to Josh about a few things just to put my mind at ease. After being worked up and bitter all weekend, I had to go record with a cappella at 3, and I was nervous to be forced to spend time with him -- we sing the same part, after all. But it actually wasn't heinously awkward. Not really at all. Josh and I even sat across the table from one another at the Bon after recording and chatted and things seemed ok.
But I knew that I needed to talk to him later that night. Of course, my horrible imagination ended up being false, and after talking I felt SO much better. We even played Mario Kart and went to Maggies and I feel totally great. He told me that he was kinda sad lately, too. I guess in my own emotional stress I forgot that he might actually be sad, too, even if he was the one to instigate the break up. It made me feel better knowing I wasn't suffering alone.
Amazing how much of the emotional spectrum I experienced in just this weekend, or even just today...
I hope I keep these good spirits and I hope we stay good friends. He really is a fantastic and beautiful person. The hardest part now is going to be being around him and having fun and not being able to jump his bones because he is so fucking cute. Ugh. UGH. UUGGHHHHH. Oh well. I'll soon be good pals once more with my reliable right hand. Sigh. |
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| grades |
[Jan. 2nd, 2008||03:31 pm] |
| [ | Mood of the Moment |
| |  lethargic | ] |
just got my grades.
if it weren't for fucking old wine in new bottles... i swear, that stupid piece in conducting.
i've never had a C before :-(
at least it was a C+
london is so soon. too soon. yet, not soon enough. i need to pack! and get a coat. and maybe... a credit card? i dunno.
i feel so disorganized. blaaaaaaaaa. i keep having little daydreams and fantasies about what it'll be like, but... i don't even know. i can't even imagine being at the airport, let alone flying for 14 hours. good lord.
i need to call zachy. |
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| you! |
[Dec. 14th, 2007||02:06 am] |
you, miss...
...you know who you are. look at you, cuddling there.
i am so glad :-)
hey... i love you a lot. a lot a lot :-) |
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| hot cop |
[Dec. 10th, 2007||03:00 am] |
| [ | Where the fuck am I? |
| | Fireside Coffee Lodge | ] |
| [ | Mood of the Moment |
| | excited | ] |
| [ | Music of the Moment |
| | Porcupine Tree - "Sound of Muzak" | ] |
holy shit. i am at Fireside and there are like 3 cops in here and one of them is suuuper hot. well ok here is the thing. like, maybe not suuuuper hot but he is actually really good looking. he is blonde and has a doink chin, nice smile, nice eyes, and of course -- as i wouldn't have it any other way -- ears that are totally biteable.
good news - he looks SO YOUNG. so he can't be too far out of my league haha. too bad he is a cop. and not naked. |
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| break |
[Dec. 7th, 2007||05:45 am] |
break from paper writing. some thoughts:
dawn is coming. so cold outside.
i was at the corner, typical street corner. picturesque in that sort of coffee-shop corner way. across the street a German Sausage house. bikes chained to posts all down the alley. caffeine and nicotine giving my body that disguise that says "I'm awake!" i didn't even order coffee until 3:30 or so... i could almost go for another.
my mind is alive with interesting happenings from the romantic life of the Romantic composer. i am frantically flipping through pages and pages of notes, pages and pages of books; where was that perfect line to make my paper nice and juicy?
i have one cigarette left in the pack i bought only a week ago - i ended up giving over half of them away to people at parties. being social, ya know. doing my part to lessen the likelihood of me actually smoking them. although i really appreciate the taste of coffee and cigarettes... and on that street corner, gazing at the grey and orange clouds (tainted colors, reflections from the lights of Portland, the gorgeous city scape only miles away) i was realizing how much i miss zach. he was the missing piece to that image, the little collage, the mosaic, that little glimpse at the movie-like stillframe of college life. writing papers until dawn...
i'm almost at 6 pages. i really like what i have so far and i have no doubts that this paper is going to be very long, but something to be proud of. i'm enjoying the research and even more so the artistry of weaving together all the details of Chopin's life and relationship with Sand. recreating their story is quite a thrill and i'm pleased with the way my version flows. and the writing is so much better than it had started out to be... thank god i worked on it that one night when i was still high... hah. funny to think how it changed my style so much. now it's a paper Nora would want to read - before it was too dry. too factual. there wasn't the excitement of a love affair. now that it's less of a report and more of an interesting story, i feel much more excited to be working on it.
i should get back to it, actually. after i pee :-) stephanie... this pee is for you. i wish i had a way to time it. |
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| everything (bagel?) |
[Dec. 5th, 2007||03:00 am] |
| [ | Mood of the Moment |
| |  high | ] |
i'm turning into one of "those guys" i guess. you know. those great aspirers with their... tablature. the "i-know-that-band" man with his "isn't-their-guitarist-So-and-So? yeah he has an interesing style." you... you... pop culture demons! step away from your desperate fingers and hours a day of reading Green Day tabs and listening to the alternative channel in the car... garr! you with your subscriptions to those magazines that cost twice as much as GQ and are one eigth the number of pages...
WELL... I'm becomming one. BLAST! I've been foiled! I was lured in... like a moth to a lamp... it was... it was... RUSH!!! Oh god, yes. I call it "the APLL" prounounced "appeal" because it is so appealing with it being "A-wesome P-eart L-ifeson L-ee" you see. SO you see? It was that blasted 24 hour Walgreens. And there I bought the magazine.
TOMORROW! Or, rather, given the current hour of the morn... TODAY!!!!! I am going to the Tool concert with Terra. HOORAY because it is NOT cancelled or postponed, while sadly, the Missoula, MT show HAD BEEN. I repeat: HAD BEEN. *TEARS* oh, sigh! oh sigh!!! I cannot stand the thought....
Terra and I will have our very souls expanding and contracting to the unearthly and demidevine musical erotica of sound that pours from the stage with a near-religious-experience light show and transcendent atmosphere. AH!!! LIFE!!!! It will be a new meaning for LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
to carry on. oh, to carry on. what a life, indeed. carry on... my wayward son!!!! |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 1st, 2007||04:34 pm] |
| [ | Mood of the Moment |
| | groggy | ] |
| [ | Music of the Moment |
| | Porcupine Tree - "Lazarus" | ] |
Mom says there's snow back home. I wish there were some snow here. All we have are these drizzling rains, so harmless but still depressing and mundane. It's been so wet lately. Walking back from the library, the drips off my hat, my jacket, even the book I'm carrying.
The apartment was dark when I walked in, but it was so warm. I almost immediately stripped... I need a shower.
Last night was odd. Less of a blur than I would have expected it to be to me today, I keep having these recurring flashes of little events. I can't place them in their true order, but I can't really say how true they are anyway. It was so crowded. So many heads, so many voices. Temporary escape on the back patio proved to be a sanctuary, but a sacrifice of warmth. No matter. It was still a decent evening. I am so confused though... and feeling pathetic.
His hand on my thigh, even for the briefest of moments... what an oddly familiar feeling, but so detestable. Against my better judgment I'll probably end up seeing him. As much as I shouldn't hope to, I really hope to.
Follow me down... to the valley below...
I am going to go get in the shower. |
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| paid |
[Nov. 30th, 2007||11:40 am] |
| [ | Mood of the Moment |
| |  accomplished | ] |
| [ | Music of the Moment |
| | Tool - "Jambi" | ] |
fuck yeah i got paid today! that's all. |
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| trains |
[Nov. 20th, 2007||02:24 am] |
| [ | Music of the Moment |
| | Porcupine Tree - "Trains" | ] |
what am i doing writing in lj?
i should be playing Trains. |
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